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Sangi's Guide to Successful Ransom Demands

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[Disclaimer: This is a parody, so don't actually take it seriously and do this. I know, I know. YOU are not stupid, but somebody else *might* be. I gotta put this disclaimer in here to cover my sorry ass. (Hmmm... But, if anybody actually does go and pull this off, please send me 5% for royalties? Please? Please? *grin*) -- Sanguinarius]

OK, so you've watched the tv shows where the villain kidnaps someone and hold him for ransom, and demands a lot of money. And you've thought to yourself, "Man, what a quick and easy way to get rich quick!" But in the end, the cops always close in on the guy, and chuck him in prison. So, you're a bit put off at attempting to actually try out this method for yourself. After all, who wants to spend the next 20 years of their life behind bars in a dark, cold prison cell with a huge, hairy beast named George for your "buddy"?

Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and come up with a way that I think will be successful. It's fun and easy, and sure to net you what you want -- Big Buck$!!!!

OK here is the guide:

1.) First you have to kidnap someone. In this case, it does not have to be somebody rich. Just somebody. It helps if they have shifty, beady eyes, though.

2.) Force him to write ransom demands. Only don't have him say that you are holding him for ransom. Make him say that HE is holding YOU for ransom! (You've got to watch him through this step carefully, to make sure he doesn't try to insert any kind of secret code or message in the ransom notes.)

3.) OK, you've got the notes. Good. Now send the notes to all your friends and family members. Don't forget that rich, old uncle in Detroit. -- Hope you've been nice to him lately.

4.) Your friends and family rally together to raise the money to pay your "ransom" and send it to the specified location (without've seen the movies). Have someone staked out there about 6 hours before someone is scheduled to make the "drop", so you can watch for any cops sneaking into the location and hiding out. That way, you know in advance how many, and where they are. Now you can sneak around behind their backs, or whatever.

5.) Go and pick up the money yourself. They won't arrest you -- you're the "hostage". Act innocent and frightened, but insist that they not follow you because he's got a bomb on you that he'll blow up...or some likely story. I'll leave the creatives up to you. -- Use your imagination, have fun with this. You probably won't ever get to do it again, so enjoy.

6.) Stash the ransom money in a super-secret location, and return to your secret hideout.

7.) Once you're back at the secret hideout, release your hostage, and run out the door before he can leave. That way, it'll look like he released you, and you're in a hurry to escape.

8.) The cops will swarm in and arrest HIM, and you can quietly slip off and retrieve you hard-earned ransom money. The cops will never believe the guy's story that YOU kidnapped HIM, etc., etc.

9.) In the meantime, book a trip to Bermuda, to "relax" after your traumatic ordeal. Stay there until you are absolutely sure that the cops *aren't* going to believe the guy's story after all. Upon which time, it's safe to return -- but with all that money, why not stay an extra week, just for the helluvit?

10.) (This is an optional step, but can net you even MORE money that what you got from the ransom.) Go on the talk show circuit, sell the movie rights, or write a book about your "ordeal".

OK, now keep this in mind: You're sure to get away with it. Nobody's even going to suspect you. At least not the first time. You probably won't be able to get away with doing this caper more than once, or people will start to look at you suspiciously and mutter rumors amongst themselves. That's not good. So, since you've only got one shot, go for broke (no pun intended), and don't be self-conscious in asking for a huge, disgusting amount of money in exchange for yourself. Now is NOT the time to be modest or humble. This is business, and your family LOVES you. They'll pay out the ass to get you back, so ask for (okay, well, demand) as much as you possibly can.

And above all -- Good Luck, and Enjoy!

c. Copyright 2002, Sanguinarius. All Rights Reserved.

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