Sangi's Current Mood:
Who is Sanguinarius, anyway?
10 Facts About Me that You May or May Not Know
Some More Pictures
Sangi and Mom as Old Tucson Saloon Girls, 2012
Sangi the Witch-Vamp and Her Faithful Sidekick, Boo, Halloween 2013
She Who Dares Question
I have seen and been shown some things which cause me to wonder, things that a thinking person can't reconcile, and to tell me that I must have faith and accept the things is an imbecilic cop-out for someone who does not think. I have faith -- in God, Whomever S/He/It is -- but not necessarily in the one claiming to be God.
If I am to be damned for thinking for myself and using my own mind (a mind which God gave me, I might mention), in order to discern things for myself, learn, seek knowledge and discover the truth of things, or at least seek after it, --
If I am to be damned for not sitting quietly, but questioning that which is, or appears to be, if I am to be damned for not blindly accepting everything I am told as a matter of faith, for merely questioning the word of some higher being, --
If I am to be damned for that, THEN BY GOD, LET ME BE DAMNED!!! *Sangi roars*
And gladly, for if those are damnable offenses, then whatever fate damnation is, it's alternative would be spending the rest of eternity as the mindless, fawning lackey of a petty, insecure, fascist tyrant, -- something I want no part of -- IF that is God.
Update: A few years ago, I was very sick in the hospital and to make a long story short, I "Code Blued" and was actually dead and gone for 8 minutes. I saw no tunnel, no bright light, no angels or Jesus, no departed relatives waiting to greet me or send me back, no NOTHING. Nothing. Not even a sense of time passing. It was then that I lost my faith, I think. Why do some people claim to see these things? Are they lying? Are they just trying to get attention, or sell books or whatever? Are they making it up? Why didn't *I* get to see any of these things??? My faith was utterly destroyed, and I decided that after death there really IS ... nothing. When you die, that's it. Finis. The End. There's no God, no afterlife, and probably not even reincarnation.
I started putting my faith in Science. Scientists, Astronomers, Biologists, Quantum Physicists, Archaeologists and other people who used the Scientific Method to learn and discover things were my Saints and Priests. Educational documentaries were my sermons and spiritual solace. The Universe was my equivalent to God, whatever that was supposed to be; I decided that some sort of Universal Force (not a Star Wars reference, btw) must exist, but how could we know it? And how could it know me or us? There must be some way to interact with it. Was it in any way aware of the existence of Life? What about human life on Earth? What about individuals? What about in other places in the galaxy or even other galaxies? I had these and many more questions.
Curiously, even when I didn't believe in anything, including an Afterlife, I still believed in the possibility of ghosts: ghosts, spirits and the odd demonic or angelic entity. I believe that I have met angels and they stopped in to check on me, re: matters of faith, on more than one occasion. My experiences were akin to the experiences I have heard from my former father-in-law and others, and were nothing major or significant and didn't stand out in any memorable way, -- except to say that nobody can disappear, completely gone, that quickly! Ask me sometime and I'll tell you more, if I can remember the details. I don't know where they were when I needed them the most, though; maybe I just didn't notice? But I don't recall anyone being there casually, talking to me about deep spiritual matters, completely out of the blue, completely naturally, then vanishing when I turned my back or was gone in too short a time to be able to disappear. And I apologize if that is a run-on sentence.
Maybe they stay away if/when I'm feeling completely hostile toward religion and the tradiotional "God" and His followers? I don't know.
Anyway, recently, I've been trying to get my faith (and hope) back. I believe that it never completely died in me. I'm still searching, for clues, for answers, and for Pieces of the Puzzle. I will probably never become a Christian again, as I just don't believe in much of the Bible, or that Jesus was God (or the Son of God), or the concept of Original Sin, -- although I do believe he existed back in Roman times. I think we're not being told the true or the whole story; too many things have been changed or repressed based on Man's quest for power and control over the religion and followers' minds and lives. I believe that SOME of the Bible's historical information is true, but as before, a lot of it was changed or spun. I don't believe in a literal Hell, or Satan/Lucifer/Beelzebub being the ruler of Hell. If Hell and Satan exist and people do end up there in their afterlife, Satan is just as much a victim/prisoner as anyone else. He's not masterminding the end of the world or humanity (although Darkness is on the rise, it's caused by humans, not devils and demons).
I think there are multiple ways to get to "God"/ The Universal Force, not just one, and that all religions (even Christianity and Satanism) have some element of Truth in them. We're all trying to find God/enlightenment. I don't beliee that I will go to hell (or Hell) if I don't follow Jesus or worship God. Nobody knows what's Beyond, so Christians cannot justifiably dictate anything; they don't know any more than anybody else. And if I'm wrong, well, I don't want to spend the rest of eternity stuck with a supernaturally powered control freak. I think reincarnation is the most likely afterlife scenario, as that seems to be how physics and nature work: Things get recycled. As above, so below. Solar systems mirror atoms; the cow eats the grass that grows and draws nourishment from the grave on which it grows, and is in turn eaten by someone or something that dies, decomposes and gives nourishment to the grass growing where it once was. On and on, over and over. I don't think there are necessarily "rules" about reincarnation, such as if you were a bad person, you'll be reincarnated as a cockroach or some other lesser being.
I do believe in Karma: Many religions have a concept for "what goes around comes around". Some think that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and that energy can neither be created nor destroyed ; only changed form (as it is in Science, physics and nature). Some think every action had a three-fold return; other that it's a ten-fold return. They are all trying to express the same concept in different words. There's a spiritual truth there.
I don't believe in predestination. I do believe in quantum physics and the possibility of multiple infinite Universes.
The more I find out, the less I know. I have to decide on something and believe. But my beliefs are subject to change.
Back to Jesus and the Bible. I don't believe in the Gospels. Even some of the Apocrypha, Nag Hamadi texts, etc. If what the Bible says is true, then Judas is in Heaven (and if it's true, I believe that he is); Jesus forgives, right? Enough said. I think what happened with Judas, Jesus and the Kiss is something totally different than what the Bible has to say, and even what the Gospel of Judas has to say (if it's not a hoax or counterfeit). I think Jesus and Judas were working together and Judas did NOT betray Jesus, but they both got screwed over by the Romans or possibly the Jewish Preisthood (or both). Yes, the Kiss was possibly meant to identify Jesus, but the plan was for Jesus to be taken by the authorities so he could gain an audience. I don't remember the details; I'm sorry. The thirty pieces of silver were a much-needed and much-welcomed income for Jesus and his groupies. When the plan backfired, Judas felt terrible and couldn't stand to live any .longer and hung himself, but not because he "sold out" Jesus (he didn't; it WAS all going according to plan, until it went terribly wrong). Jesus wasn't supposed to die on the cross. All of the actual events were later interpreted by "spiritual authorities" who either lied and changed things for their own ends, or they themselves did not understand.
I believe that Mary was not the same woman that was a prostitute. She was, in fact, the one who best understood what Jesus was trying to convey to people. He was a spiritual and social reformer, and possibly of a significant bloodline (and the two different geneologies for him in the Bible come from Joseph and his mother, Mary), but we're getting too close to sangreal and certain well-known books and movies now. These have valid points, but only serve to confuse things.
It's all Pieces of the Puzzle.
Did I mention alien-human hybrids (to what end?)? I know I just lost you. Sorry. Just trying to find out what's really going on. I don't have the memories that I instinctively feel were taken from me before I was incarnated in this life. Boy, I really DID just lose you now, didn't I? OK, I will shut up now, as I have babbled long enough.
One more thing, totally whacked out and out of the blue, but I think before Egypt, before the "Flood" where ocean levels rose greatly, there was an advanced civilization (not advanced like we are today, but advanced for the time) with a worldwide trade and possibly communiation network. It got destroyed and there were not many survivors, and most of the knowledge was lost. There's little trace of it now, if any, because humans tended to settle in towns and communities along the coasts and when ocean levels rose, they just got wiped out. The remains of a town (maybe built of wood, for instance) might be three miles out and under 500 m of water and silt, and will never, ever be found or documented -- or learned from. I only hope that there IS a preserved library somewhere in Egypt (I've heard it's under the Sphynx's paw) or elsewhere. Dammit that the Library of Alexandria got destroyed; I hope the Library of Congress survives.
NOW I will shut up.
Archaeology / Ancient History. I find this stuff fascinating. I love learning about ancient civilizations and archaeological finds. Give me books, documentaries, articles on it -- I eat them up. My folks had subscriptions to several archaeological magazines and when I visited them, one of the first things I would do is ferret out the latest issues to read.
George Orwell, 1984. I re-read the book as an adult. It's scary to see how much we've progressed toward the world ol' George set forth in his book... I would not survive well in an Orwellian world. I probably should not say that, as someone is bound to remember it when the fascists take over. Oh, goody! it's Room 101 for Me!
The Paranormal / Fortean Stuff. Ghosts, hauntings, the unexplained, ancient mysteries, aliens, The X-Files, Sightings, The Chronicle (unfortunately, the Sci-Fi Channel canceled The Chronicle so they could show more FartScrape...er, I mean FarScape *scowl*), parazoology/cryptozoology (such creatures as the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra, Sasquatch/Yeti/Bigfoot), ancient astronauts, the pyramids, magick, the list goes on. I want to learn more about Sitchin and what he has to say. I used to like listening to Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell, but fell away from it a few years after George Noory took over and began taking the show off in his own wishy-washy direction.
Documentaries. NOT (most) nature or war documentaries; there is more to history than war. But give me a show about ancient Egypt, and I'm in hog-heaven. Learning about how people lived during the time of the Roman Empire, or an archaeological discovery, exploring the wreck of the Titanic or a Spanish Galleon, mummies, conquistadores, the Aztec Empire, human behavior & evolution, daily life in the Middle Ages, the development of technology and inventions, Pompeii, the building of the Channel Tunnel (the Chunnel) or other great technological feats, dinosaurs and other prehistoric beasts, space, black holes and quasars, and the list goes on here, too.
Titanic. Sunk on her maiden voyage while bound for NY in 1912, she was at the time the largest ship afloat. Luxuriously appointed and passengered by many famous, weathy and powerful personages, as well as the poorest immigrants, and others from all walks of life in-between, she was a noble and grand maiden whose existence was cut short far before her time should have been. Both those who perished and those who survived have provided a wealth of stories and experiences that have been recorded, heard, and passed on to others. It was tragic that so many lives were lost, but it resulted in stricter maritime laws concerning the safety of all passengers. For some eighty years, she lay, lost but not forgotten, on the sea floor, beneath nearly two miles of ocean, until Robert Ballard, leading an expedition out of Woods Hole in 1985, determined to find her. And did. Since then, many artifacts have been salvaged from Titanic, giving rise to much controversy about violating the sanctity of the gravesite for commercial purposes. For it is a gravesite. I have mixed feelings about this, myself. On the one hand, what they are doing is robbing a tomb. On the other hand, many people get to see with their own eyes, sense, and BE NEAR, objects from on board; things which no human has laid eyes on in over eighty, sometimes ninety or more, years; pieces of history, pieces of a great tragedy. To be so near, to see with my own eyes, to feel, these things, -- or even a piece of the great ship herself!, -- this has great meaning to me. And to the pieces of shit who swiped the memorial plaques (yes, multiple plaques were stolen at different times) placed on the Titanic: I. Hope. You. Rot. In. Hell. Stinkin' pondscum...
Science Fiction. Until I was maybe around 27 or 28, if you'd asked me, I would not have told you that I was interested in science fiction. But after taking a good look at the sort of movies, programs, and sometimes books, that I tended to thoroughly enjoy, I realized, -- there's no denying it, -- I like science fiction. Whether it's old Twilight Zone episodes, The X-Files, Star Wars, Star Trek (any of the series's or movies), The Terminator, Battlestar Galactica, Outbreak, The Matrix, Species, War of the Worlds (the radio broadcast), Stargate, the book I Am Legend by Richard Matheson, countless short stories I read as a child, Spaceballs, Fringe (especially!), or Independence Day, I love it! -- I can't get enough! The future technology, the designs of the spacecraft, entire alien and/or future worlds, the sound effects, the alien/human relations (whether at war or at peace), clothing fashions, interior design & decor, and architecture, are all quite fascinating!
Shameless Begging. If you absolutely love me and want to send me a gift or something (my birthday is December 17th), I have a Wish List at Amazon.com which has some items that I wish I could get.
Donors Wanted (More Shameless Begging). I am seeking donors in or near my area, near Green Valley/Sahuarita/Tucson, AZ. Catch me in my chatroom (in IRC or on Sanguinarius.org) if you want to talk.
Banner exchanges here
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